First of all, middle fingers up to all the haters who project their hate and distrust for the opposite sex (which is rooted in unresolved trauma) onto love seekers. There is a difference between truly seeking love and just seeking comfort and a trauma partner. The best kind of love is the healthy kind. Moving on.
Sometimes I want to end the rebuttal before it comes up, so that had to be said. “Settling” can feel daunting, especially for the trophy man/lady. It’s not always easy to know you can have anyone, feel powerful, and still choose one person. Even so, there is immense power in that choice and the security it affords.
As I approach marriage, I reflect on the journey of discovering the definition of love. I realize that defining love was more about self-discovery than anything else. It was the discovery of what made me feel Safe, Secure, Soothed, and Seen. Honestly, when I first met my fiance a part of me knew I would be settling by marrying him. I knew this because even though he made me feel Safe, soothed, and seen, he didn’t make me feel secure. I felt like if I wasn’t always doing something or staying on track, everything would fall apart. It took years for me to be able to fully trust and rely on him to take care of the things I cared about in my absence on a large scale. It wasn’t that he didn’t care or didn’t want to, it was that I had major trust issues and often wouldn’t give him the opportunity to. I’m saying this because after almost three years of a continuously growing and strengthening relationship, I found out he had been cheating on me the whole time.
I found out after he bought me a new ring to reaffirm his love, after he asked my dad for my hand, and after we had found a home to move into together. I found out after we set a date for our wedding and started planning. I was beginning to think life couldn’t possibly be that sweet, that beautiful, that easy. I was thinking that love was what made it so, and it was. I wasn’t thinking of my initial concern about him, that I didn’t feel secure. Shortly after (three days to be precise), I found the messages, videos, photos, and video proof. It went uncontested. What little security I had was laid out in front of us, and shattered before our eyes in the coming months.
I thought “settling down” was my dream, but I forgot what it meant. I forgot why it had a negative connotation. I never want to settle, and G-d willing I never will. I want to have all four pillars of a healthy relationship, according to Transformation Church at least. I want to be seen and heard, soothed, safe, and secure in my love for my partner. I will never settle for 75% when I know I am meant to be equally yoked.
I realize if an issue is big enough to keep showing up and not get addressed or resolved over the course of the relationship, it is a big enough reason for me to end the relationship. I am learning to stop belittling myself and start listening when my soul says something is wrong, that it is not my job to show up 125% because my partner doesn’t want to meet me halfway. That’s what it means to settle, to ignore your better judgment and stop reaching for what you know you are capable of.
I want my partner to never stop reaching for the sky with me, not just to watch me reach and protect my feelings about it..
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